Saturday, 23 January 2016

Too late, I already took the red pill

I wrote this in a weird dream like state, but alas I accidentally deleted it before I made a copy, and had to write another one. It will never be what it was, possibly will never be as good, but I felt I said some important stuff in it, so I rewrote it. With that in mind, if it's a bit shit, rest assured that the original surely kicked arse.
It's strange, experiencing things I've never experienced before. It's something that's happening every day at the moment. But I worry, did I wait too long to do this? The grey hairs sprouting at the back of my head say yes, I did wait too long. Better late than never I hope. It would have been so sad if I had never been here to see these things.

Christmas was like stepping into a time bubble. It was comforting and homely, only more comforting and homely than I ever remember home actually being. I ate and ate, new food, awesome food, food we used to cook and could again. I drank way too much and watched hours of daytime TV in my pyjamas. It was a rest, a much needed rest, time to heal. All of this was nearly enough to make me believe that nothing had changed, that I've not changed, but that was the lie. It's like that bit in the Labyrinth,* when Sarah thinks she is home again but she is sill actually on the adventure. All the trappings were there, all the home comforts I thought I needed, but it wasn't my home. I don't have a home right now. I had one, and I loved it, but it became a prison. I was trapped in amber while all of my friends moved on, made plans and set goals that no longer involved staying up with me until the wee small hours, talking about where we have been, who we think we are, and who we could be.