Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Even though you know there's something missing

I’ve never been very good at chess. I love playing it, I love the history of it and I own lots of different beautiful sets… I’m just not very good at it. The rules are easy, straightforward, fixed. It is not difficult to learn the basics of how to play chess. But learning how to actually play, well, that takes skill and patience. Because for every move you make, there are a specific number of counter-moves your opponent can make. The trick is to be able to see ahead not just to their next move, or your next move, but to all the possible outcomes that could result from every move taken. I find this process exhausting and difficult. I’m also really slow at it which is frustrating for the person playing against me. Usually I just give up after a certain point and make a rash decision. And then I lose. I always lose.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my flaws and whether it’s possible to really, fundamentally, change them, or whether I’m locked into being the person I am. Whether or not my rules are firmly set. I have been thinking about this in regard to other people too. Do people ever really change, even if they want to? I know that people get worse, that much is definite. I think it’s easier for us to get worse because all we have to do is continue to be oblivious to our faults or give into them for the same reasons they are there in the first place, because that’s our damage. So on that basis, are we doomed to forever be slaves to our damage?