I've just recently
finished reading The Quarry by Iain
Banks, his last novel. I put off reading it for a while because I assumed that
it would be quite upsetting for me to read, knowing that the story was about a
man dying of cancer, written by a man who has recently died of cancer. And not
just any man, but someone who was, to me at least, a literary hero. Many
authors I love were long since dead before I had even heard of them, so it was
nice to have an author who was still about and still writing, although many of
his recent books, whilst still saying something interesting about the human
condition, did not reach the awesome heights of The Crow Road, Complicity or
The Wasp Factory for me. Having said
that, The Quarry, is, in my opinion, his
best book for a while, which just makes it all the more bittersweet that it was
his last. The aspect of the novel that struck me the deepest, apart from the
‘facing your own mortality’ facet, was the complex nature of the feelings that
the character who was dying, Guy, had towards his old friends. The way he
moaned at and about his friends, his frustration towards them combined with a
sense of belonging and nostalgia, was very familiar to me. It felt like a very
honest account of what it truly is to love a friend. Because I do get
frustrated with my friends, hurt by them, I feel in reaction to their choices
as though those choices they were my own. I find it hard to be measured and
rational in response to their actions because I’m utterly emotionally invested
in them. I hold them to same high standard that I fail to live up to myself.
This is not because I see my friends as useless, it is because, to me, they are
awesome, and yet they often don’t seem to realise it. They have all this
potential and intelligence and ability, and I want them to reach for the stars,
and that is why I get frustrated when they underestimate themselves.
I then feel guilty
for feeling annoyed or frustrated, because that is not how you should be with
friends, is it? We should just support our friends, whatever the weather, and
never judge them. But I honestly feel that it is impossible not to judge them,
they are too close to me, I care too much about them and what happens to them
not to judge. The fact is though that whatever the outcome of their choices, I
will always support them, I will always love them, and to a certain extent,
isn't that what we want out of friends? People who encourage us to be better,
believe that we can be better, people who will give you honest feedback, but
still shut the fuck up and listen when they are needed? I know that my friends
feel the same about me, they judge me but they still love me, in fact they
judge me because they love me, even if I'm behaving like a tit.
It is an emotional
roller coaster, caring for people, investing in people, sometimes it's
exhausting and you just feel that it would be easier to have fair weather
friendships and acquaintances and people around you that you don't feel as
bothered about when life happens. But apart from the obvious benefits of
spending time with people you like, another aspect that pulls you in deeper is the
mutual investment, because together, you're a team. You could be a team of two
or twenty, but there you are, and then there is you lot, against the rest of
the crazy world. And that team, when they put their minds together, can be
amazing. You’ve been through all of these experiences together and you know
each other inside out and backwards, and when my friend is in trouble, everything
else melts away and all that matters is being there for them and having their
back. It’s a reaction that does not even require any conscious thought, when
you love someone, it is no effort to be there for them, it is a necessity, for
you as much as them, because you need to be there, you need to help, because you love them.
But my judgement is
not limited to the people I care about it, would that it were, I judge everyone
and everything else in the world too, from my own skewed personal perspective.
This gets worse as you get older I've found, as your personality, morals and
world view become solidified and more consistent. When I was younger I felt the
need to get the agreement of all of my friends before I made a choice in my
life, I needed to convince them that I was right before having faith in my own
choices. Thankfully I have gradually realised that this is impossible in all
cases, sometimes your friends will agree, sometimes they will think you're
making a big cock up, and you need to have the courage of your own convictions,
because the person who has to live your life is you, and you will never be able
to please everyone. Learning to be a bit selfish is part of growing up, but
this is not always a bad thing, it is a necessary thing, otherwise you end
being a person by committee, letting the opinions of those around you dictate
your choices, and if you're not happy with those choices, the resentment will
come out somewhere, somehow, probably inappropriately and all over the carpet.
But that does not mean that I don't listen to the people I trust, I know they
are judging me for the same reasons that I judge them, because they want the
best for me, and it is important to consider their opinions, and perspective,
in relation to my own, and let it inform my decision. Inform being the key word
here, not dictate, as once over I think it did.
But that's your
friends and loved ones, what about the rest of the world? What about all the
other voices out there that make you mad, make you sad, make you want to scream
in exasperation because you feel that the tree they are barking up is so
utterly the wrong one?
I heard a phrase
recently that has stuck in my head, the only person you can change is yourself.
This is about the truest statement I've ever heard, the only person you have
control over, is you, your reactions to things, the way you chose to deal with
difficult people and situations. And it’s not easy, to change yourself, being
honest with yourself is really difficult, much harder than being honest with
other people. Who else is ever going to judge you as harshly as you judge
yourself, on every level, physical appearance, life choices, the friends you
have, the judgements they make on you and you make on them? You can't change
other people, you can influence them, perhaps, if they feel that what you're
saying has some validity, but that influence is controlled by them, as only it
should be. If you go into any relationship wanting to change someone, then
something is very wrong. That's not to say that you shouldn't encourage a
person to be best they can be, to push for them not to get hung up on
insecurities and act confidentially in the person they are, but the qualities
you admire have to be there already, you can't hope to instil them into
someone. You can only treat someone with respect and empathy and hope that they
will respond positively. We don't all always act out of self-interest. Our
judgements don't come from an unfeeling place, if anything they come from a
feeling-too-much-place. If we didn't care we wouldn't judge and that's the long
and short of it. But courtesy is important. Just because you believe something
doesn't mean that everyone else should or will. Of course you can try to
persuade someone of your argument, through blog posts or similar ;) But just
because someone doesn’t agree with your point of view, doesn’t make them the
enemy, it makes them different.
Another phrase that
has been winging its way around my head in relation to this issue is, ‘If you
open your mind too much your brain will fall out.’ This was said by Tim Minchin,
although he admits that he nicked the phrase from another. In the context of
what he was saying, I think he was trying to use the phrase to mean, if you
ignore logic and common sense in preference to unsubstantiated beliefs and
ideas, then you will lose IQ points, your brain will fall out, as it were. But
I have been thinking about this statement in a slightly different context, if
you let everyone else's opinions and ideas and beliefs dictate your choices and
actions, then you will lose yourself, your brain will fall out, you would no
longer be you. We are all unique, the product of specific influences and
personality traits, and we have the opportunity in this life to experience the
world as an individual. An aspect of what I believe is that we are all part of
the same entity, not a god based ideology, but one based on the idea that
everything in the universe is connected and we are just energy transferring from
one state to another. I believe that once we've lived this life, we change
state and become part of everything else again, the earth, the stars, people's
imaginations. This is our opportunity to experience life as an individual, with
our own perspective. So don't fight it, embrace it, embrace being a unique
entity that has judgements and opinions and flaws. Don't let your brain fall
out. But remember that everyone else has their own little worlds, constructed
through experiences and ideas that we may never understand. Each opinion is
just as valid, but you don’t have to agree with them all, that is the joy of
being an individual.
So what am I trying
to say here then, to judge or not to judge? The answer is, as always, I
believe, a mixture of the two. Accept that you will judge, you have a right to
judge, and in actuality, you can't help but judge, it's a side effect of being
an individual. It is also a necessity of self-preservation and survival, if we
didn’t make judgements and learn from our own experiences, we would forever be
making the same mistakes and getting ourselves burned in the process. But the
thing to remember (the thing I often try, and fail, to remind myself of) is to
try to have some courtesy when expressing those judgements to other people, to remember
that they are coming from a totally different perspective, and that really is
okay, because if they weren't, they would just be you, and that would get very
boring, very quickly. We need the conflict of differing perspectives to keep
life interesting and keep us being challenged on an individual level. The next
time that you feel that a loved one is judging you, unspoken or otherwise, do
tell them to back off if the occasion calls for it, but also reassure yourself
with the notion that they care enough about you to express that judgement, and
know that, if you are ever in trouble, the same person giving you a hard time
is likely to be the same person who will drop everything to help you if things
fall part.
Thanks, once again,
Mr Banks, for the inspiration. Your voice will always be with me, and the world
will always be a more interesting place to me, for your perspective on
it.
It is some balancing act for sure, to judge fairly so that you can make wise choices for yourself in life, but to also accept others as they are. A life-long journey, me thinks. Well thought out piece of writing. And it is funny, the person who is hardest on you, generally is the same person who drops everything for you when you need support in life.
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